"If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever. Unless you marry her."
"When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts."
"Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella."
These are all prime examples of "guy code". That code that apparently all guys come pre-programmed knowing. What many a lay-person does not realize, however, is that there is a "girl code", and ours is just as relevant, and not to be undermined. Ever. For example, "A girl is never in any case to date a friends ex or a guy who she was really into." Not much different than something you might see in "guy code", right? Well there is one little section of the code that I'd like to discuss today, and I like to call it, "Show me your belly, bitch".
See, in the dog world when two dogs are playing, or even meeting for the first time, one of them will usually roll over and show their belly as a sign of submission. A way to say, "Hey - its cool, you're the boss, and I acknowledge that". It is just the order of things. This is also true in girl-world. When meeting an ex-boyfriend's new love for the first time, the old love must express some subtle little comment, or gesture, that says, "I stand down". It is never anything big - even a simple, "I love you in that dress, I could never pull that off with my huge hips, " is a simple "showing of the belly". This little comment or gesture is so subtle, that it is barely a whisper. Much like most humans can not hear a dog whistle, most men will never notice that tiny whisper. But to a woman, it is loud and clear.
Now, I am not a jealous woman, by any means. "Yeah, right, all women say that", you are thinking. But I'm not. I am happy to let my fiance go to strip clubs, have guys nights out, and even be friends with some of his ex-girlfriends. I am confident in myself and in our relationship, and I trust my fiance implicitly. But here's the thing with ex-girlfriends, love interests, and crushes - they have to show me their belly. That one little gesture, the "waving of the white flag", that says, "I understand you are the new woman in his life, and I am just here to be cool and not cause any sort of drama." Examples of this that I've already gotten? Congratulating him about our engagement on his Facebook page, noting that his new fiancee is: a) so pretty, b) seems to be making him so happy, c) seems like a perfect fit. Making a point to say, "Next time you are in town, I'd love to meet your fiancee, she seems great!"
For the most part, his women of the past have been obedient little girls - falling in line with the natural order of things and showing me their little bellies - clearing the way for us to have pleasant exchanges; complimenting each others hair, trading recipes, making coffee invites, comparing vaginas (just kidding - but c'mon - that is what most guys hope we are doing when we hang out).
But then there are a few deviants. These stubborn little divas have ignored the code - and its time that they be called out so that they can properly roll over and show me their bellies:
Dear Miss "We kissed once, years ago" - next time you invite my fiance out, it had better include an invite for me (as opposed to the last 3 times you asked him to hang out). Chances are good that I will decline, because spending an afternoon with you sounds as appealing as a pelvic exam - but the invite better be there. Show me your belly, bitch.
Dear twit of an ex-girlfriend - I don't care if you are still friends with him. Mostly because I've seen the nude photos you sent him while you two were together and I'm pretty sure he's over his 70's porn bush-phase (really, a $10 investment can get you the Intuition razor - it's surrounded in soap which shields all your sensitive bits from getting nicked- check it out sometime). But blatantly ignoring me during exchanges that I've made directly to you will not make me disappear - sorry. And remember - I hold the strings to which ex-twits he keeps around, and which ones he doesn't (and before you boys reading this rally together some sort of "man's rights" protest because it sounds like I've got his balls in a vice-grip - he holds those strings as well, and I have happily cut off many a guy from my life at my fiance's request. It goes both ways.) Show me your belly, bitch.
Dear undergraduate who friends requested him on Facebook a mere hour after you two spoke in the grad lab - I realize that could be an innocuous gesture. I also realize that it didn't take you long after your exchange in the grad lab, to decide to stop the studying that you were doing when he walked in, look up his email address, and track him down on Facebook. And that is cool....that is totally cool. But you are on notice. You have a precious window after which you take notice of his relationship status saying "engaged" to show me your belly. Bitch.