How to spot a Male Match.com loser!

*photo may or may not be representational of my actual self.

1. You start your profile with: “I don‘t really like talking about myself, but here goes….” How pitiful, insecure and low self esteem-ish can you be? This is a dating site, what the “F” else are you going to talk about???

2. You work hard but play even harder!! Can Mr. Cliche come out and play?? Any guy who uses this term has no hope, they are dull to the bone (if they even have a spine).

3. You mention the beach or the ocean…. Walking on it, ect. Do you like breathing air too? Great, we have that in common also! The only thing that doesn’t like the beach is a whale because it usually means they are dead or about to be.

4. You have a cat, poodle, yorkie, chihuahua or any other type of animal a woman or homosexual typically has, in your pictures. Unless you have an excuse like your mom’s last dying wish was for you to care for her precious Schnookums… you are gay! Women love puppies, not grown men with fluffy dogs and especially not cats! Anything but cats!

5. You are really proud you are old and still ride your Harley like a tough guy. You make it clear that women must love to ride because you are hard as nails and free as a bird… society can not contain you, you are a rebel!! When I see an old dude on a motorcycle, I imagine a dog hanging it’s head out a car window with it’s loose, droopy face flapping in the wind. But hey, both look pretty happy while doing it! And another thought that crosses my mind is VIENNA SAUSAGE…. a very small weenie, surrounded by metal and full of sodium… gross!

6. You start your profile saying you just got out of prison, are fat, bald and have no teeth. And then say “Just kidding, now that I have your attention!!!” HARDY HAR HAR!!! Really, are you that stupid?? REALLY?? If you can find a woman who thinks that’s humorous, marry that stupid bitch. I strongly suggest that one of you gets your tubes tied.

7. You are a tatted bad boy. You claim to only date super models with your drug dealin' income and wear a bandana like you are in a gang. You are throwing hand signs and usually in the background of your pics, is a flowery couch with a knitted shawl draped across it, that looks like you’re at grandma’s house. Wow, you go tough guy… tell Grandma Hilda I said hi! You probably live in her basement and she's too terrified to throw you out. She's counting the days until you get arrested so she can change her phone number.

8. You have shirtless pics taken in your bathroom that looks like a pubic hair bomb went off in it! There's enough toothpaste spray on that mirror to empty a windex bottle to get it clean! With a bathroom that dirty, you definitely have creepy crawlers in your crack!

9. You want a woman with a good head on her shoulders. Well I don’t know about you, but most people’s heads are located in the same place, whether or not they are good heads is another matter. Or is that a new way of saying you just want good head?! Technically you should be looking for a woman with a good head on her neck, because no one’s head is located on their shoulders. Although there are probably a few in the middle east, somewhere in a small village, if you can afford the airfare.

10. Last but not least, your main pic is of you making a funny face or wearing a clown wig. You want women to think you are a different kind of guy, the life of the party, never a dull moment! Life is a bouquet of spontaneity and laughs when you are around. This guy has to be cool as hell! His picture is rock solid proof! RIGHT?!!?? WRONG! Women want men to be like Fabio or someone hot and sexy, duh… not Goofy or Dorky the Clown or someone who is gonna fart in our face a light a match. Go play with your chihuaua…….. I meant your dog you idiot.