#11 Aberdouchery Plumes

Like mine, many towns in North America are afflicted with an Aberdouchery: a clothier catering to the "fashion" sensibilities of young douchebags who aspire to look exactly the same as their friends, and spend copious amounts of money doing so. Yes, the term is a mashup of the time-honored haberdasher with the modern chain-store Mecca for said douchebags, which shall remain nameless here to avoid corporate hate mail (but, coincidentally, sounds a lot like Ubercrappy and Glitch).

Said store is the center of Kardashian-inspired "class" for young America, and although they want you to see their stores (although, not their clothes by the looks of their tastelessly clotheless models), they really REALLY want you to smell them. From blocks away. At least. Otherwise-mindless Aberdouches clearly share some traits of tracking dogs: they love checking to see that their balls are still there in plain view of the public, and they can pick up a scent from a mile away. They often do both of these things with their noses, although Aberdouches share none of the other higher cognitive abilities of tracking dogs, I'm told.

Aberdoucheries atomize their stench and cast it out -- way out -- with not a care in the world. They spray that crap in the store every 20 minutes. They even have ceiling-mounted douchestenchers to do it automatically. You can smell that crap many blocks away when the wind is right. What I fail to understand is this: smoking is verboten in most aspects of non-flyover culture, like the one I live in. So how can it be OK at all for Aberdouchers to foul the free-breathing rights of everyone within the same ZIP code as their stores?

This I fail to understand. If you smoke in a public place, you might as well do so while openly snorting cocaine and aggressively panhandling, because all of those things are equal nowadays. Clean air, breathing free, and smoke-free downtowns are all the rage. If smoking is an indicator of future cancer, Aberdouchery plumes should certainly be considered an indicator of current cultural decay.

Lucky for the rest of us, according to this article, some of the chemicals in Aberstench have been shown to reduce sperm counts in adult men. There is some justice in the world.